tuesday, august 1, 1944
dearest kitty,
"a bundle of tradis" was the end of my previous letter and is the beginning of this one. you please tell me exactly what "a bundle of tradis" is? what does "tradiean? like so many words, it be interpreted in two ways: a tradiposed from without and one imposed from within. the former means not accepting other peoples opinions, always knowi, having the last word; in short, all those unpleasant traits for which im known. the latter, for which im not known, is my ow.
as ive told you many times, im split in two. one side tains my exuberant cheerfulness, my flippancy, my joy in life and, above all, my abthty to appreciate the lighter side of things. by that i mean not finding anything wrong with flirtations, a kiss, an embrace, an off-color joke. this side of me is usually lying in wait to ambush the other one, which is much purer, deeper and finer. no one knows annes better side, and thats why most people t stand me. oh, i be an amusing for an afternoon, but after that everyones had enough of me to last a month. actually, im what a romantic movie is to a profound thinker -- a mere diversion, a iterlude, something that is soon fotten: not bad, but not particularly good either. i hate having to tell you this, but why shouldnt i admit it when i know its true? my lighter, more superficial side will always steal a mar the deeper side and therefore always win. you t imagine how ofteried to p:ush away this anne, which is only half of what is known as ao beat her down, hide her. but it doesnt work, and i know why.
im afraid that people who know me as i usually am will discover i have another side, a better and finer side. im afraid theyll mock me, think im ridiculous aimental and not take me seriously. im used to not being taken seriously, but only the "lighthearted" anne is used to it and put up with it; the "deeper" anne is too weak. if i force the good ao the spotlight for even fifteen minutes, she shuts up like a clam the moment shes called upon to speak, as anne number one do the talking. before i realize it, shes disappeared.
so the nine is never seen in pany. shes never made a single appearahough she almost always takes the stage when im alone. i kly how id like to be, how i am . . . on the inside. but unfortunately im only like that with myself.
and perhaps thats why-no, im sure thats the reason why -- i think of myself as happy on the inside and other people think im happy osid
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